crise de soi

Ahhh! Okay so ever since I started grad school - no, ever since before I started - I have asked myself on pretty much a weekly basis such questions as:

  • What am I getting myself into?

  • What possessed them to admit me into this program?

  • What possessed me to accept?

  • Should I be getting myself into this much debt?

  • Why am I still here?

  • When will they find out I am a horrible student and kick me out?

  • and my favourite: Why don't I just drop out and fuck off to travel Europe/ride my bike/master the art of French cuisine/dedicate my life to anything but my masters degree?

Of course, my friends and loved ones have always talked me out of dropping out (some people I know gave it to me weeks before I even started), and I am sure that they are wise and right. But oh god, two weeks into my second year, with 2 failed courses under my belt, several thousand dollars owed to the federal and provincial governments, a reduced course load, 2 favourite profs on sabbatical (and 2 semi-nemesis profs always lurking), and a drastic decrease in motivation, I am seriously wondering if I am still doing the right thing.

I am writing this hot on the heels of my first management class - an obligatory course so that we all know how to run a library when we graduate. Apparently 6 out of 10 librarians are in a management position; um, can I be one of the 4? This is not why I wanted to be a librarian; this is not why I wanted to do my MLIS. So now I ask myself: Am I really passionate enough about librarianship to suck it up, learn the fucking management lingo and associated bullshit, and prepare myself for a career in structuring and HR and planning and liaising? Because I just want to talk to kids and read them books and recommend books to them and get them excited and promote intellectual freedom in the schools and everywhere, and be all in there.

So... I know it would be incredibly stupid of me to drop out, and everyone would be disappointed, etc. And I probably won't drop out, but goddammit sometimes I really, really want to.

Oh and on a completely different topic, I wish someone I know would stop being so goddamn attractive! Stop it!

10:05 p.m. - 2009-09-14


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